Eric, not sure which "forum" to post this to. I put it here because it seems to satire education more than anything else. Enjoy.
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Dear Red States:
Congratulations on your victory over all us non-
evangelicals.
Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so
we're leaving. California will now be its own country. And
we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you're not
aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota,
Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and the entire Northeast.
We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be
beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the
new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about
it; she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 pm EST
this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need
to be back in their states by then.
So, you get Texas and all the former slave states. We get
stem cell research and the best beaches. You get Ken Lay; we
get Elliot Spitzer. You get OpryLand; we get the Statue of
Liberty. You get WorldCom; we get Intel and Microsoft. You
get Ole Miss; we get Harvard. (OK, we get the Governator,
too, but it's a small price to pay.) You get all the
technological innovation in Alabama; we get 85% of America's
venture capital and entrepreneurs. We also get about two-
thirds of the tax revenue, and now you get to make the red
states pay their fair share.
Since our divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian
coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms to support, and we know how much you
like that. Did I mention we produce about 70% of the
nation's veggies? But heck, the only greens the Bible-
humpers eat are the pickles on their Big Macs. Oh yeah,
another thing, don't plan on serving California wine at your
state dinners. From now on it's imported French wine for
you. (Ouch, that hurts!)
Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-
choice and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to want
all Blue States' citizens back from Iraq. If you need people
to fight, just ask your evangelicals. They have tons of
kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely
no purpose. And they don't care if you don't show pictures of
their kids' caskets coming home. Anyway, we wish you all
the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope you
find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously.
Soon.
With the Blue States in hand, we have firm control of 80%
of the country's fresh water, over 90% of our pineapple and
lettuce, 92% of all fresh fruit production, 93% of the
artichoke production, 95% of America's export quality wines,
90% of all cheese production, 90% of the high tech industry,
most of the US low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias
and condors, all the Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard,
Yale, Amherst, Stanford, Berkeley, Cal Tech and MIT.
We can live simply but well. The Red States, on the other
hand, now have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and
their projected health care cost spike), 92% of all US
mosquitoes, nearly 100% of all tornadoes, 90% of all
hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, 100% of all
televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones "University,"
Clemson and the University of Georgia. A high price to pay
for controlling the presidency.
Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah
was actually eaten by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred
unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44%
believe that evolution is wrong, 53% that Saddam Hussein was
involved in 9/11 and - most hard to grasp - 61% believe that
Bush is a person of moral conviction.
Good luck.
Sincerely,
California